the truth is..

♡

Yep. Like seriously.

Melting Pot

I have a strong feeling now that I should not be part of the melting pot. It may cause damage to myself and I may not even realise it.

Now, I can (somehow) forsee and relate myself to the difficulties that i may face in the future. I'm having too many flashback. 

What if, in the end I have to fight for my own survival, like the hunger game. No more cover up and no more immunity. 

Who do you want to protect? Is it worth the trouble? 

Time to keep my mouth shut.

Good night world.  Shutting down my eyes while my brain can't stop thinking.

don't take my Candy jars, please

I have been been collecting candies. Various types of colourful candies. I believe I earned it. So please don't take my candies. It is my saving. The taste of sweetness that I have collected from my sweat, tears and toil.

I believe you have your own candy jar. But maybe since you withdraw it every day, you may not even realised it. You actually  had consumed your candy every day.

You have traded your candies with big house, big car, branded and luxury items and a lifestyle. You already have consumed your candy each and every day. 

So please, stop thinking that life is unfair to you. Stop being victim. Stop thinking that things are easy on me just because I'm able to travel whenever and takes longer leave.

There's a lot of stories behind the scene ; how I managed to juggle time and money. So don't make an easy assumptions just because the front end looks perfect. The back end - has a lot of stories to tell. I always need to play catch up games. I work in average 12 hours a day, on weekends and public holidays, no mc (yet) and to date only one time off taken.

So, please don't take my candies. I need my candies for my travel. Shooooh... move away. Don't envy my candies.  I earned it, the hard way.

Count my Blessings

not my wrinkles :)

Conversation with my doctor earlier today (I have been loyal to him more than 4 years, I think)

Me: I keep on getting the same cough, over and over again. Like before. Should I be worried? 

Doctor: No fever, no headache or body pain?

Me: No. Just cough and flu and my lungs hurt  since I cough very loud.

Doctor: (After checking my temperature and breathing). Your record is good actually. 

Me: Good?

Doctor: This year you only visit me four time. In Jan for food poisoning,  in May for umrah vaccination,  July for coughing and now for the same reason. So you only sick twice a year. U score A.

Me: Really? Hmmm.. Contemplating the input

Doctor: Last year, you see me twice for the same reason. So you are good. No worries. 

Me: Ok laaa.

Doctor: So i will prescribe you with antibiotics, high dose of cough syrup to be taken at night only and medication for your lungs.

Me: Ok laaa

There's goes my RM 56.00 :)

Thinking back, yeah right. Last year and this year I didn't take any mc. Alhamdulillah.  Syukur. Di beri kesihatan yang terbaik terutama ketika menunaikan umrah. (Despite me being lazy - no excesice, no restrictions on food, not enough sleep, not enough of plain water, stress, no supplement no multi vitamin).

So today, before my birthday end.. and before the cough syrup starts showing its drowsiness effect, I just want to be GRATEFUL for everything in my life, the good and the bad and the in between.

And my hope for all of you,

Feed me Sugar Coated lies

or be brutally honest with me.

Which one you prefer?

When grandma diagnosed with lung cancer, we didn't tell her. We did not tell her that she had six more months to live. We let her in the unknown situation and wondering why her body refused to be healed. 

Was that a good judgement and wise decision not letting grandma knows her own health condition?  I don't know. 

Brutally honest, I hate my job. Seriously.  I have loads of stories to support why I hate my job. The stories can go on and on.

But I choose this job. Nobody force me. Nobody put a knife on me to force me to do this job. I make a choice to do this job. 

So come what may, I have a responsibility to deliver. The company may assign me any task to be fulfilled.  Like it or not, it's my responsibility to take on. I get paid for this. It's a concept. Concept bekerja dan sebagai pekerja.

So, back to the title. Do you prefer to be sugar coated with lies, promises and living in denial or come what may, even the honesty may break you.. it is the best policy to live in.

I end with this quote that I like

Happy Tuesday all.

Stuck in Love (the movie)

Since I'm travelling back home by bus, I have downloaded movies to to maximise the time that I have. Three to four hours journey seems bearable since my time will be fully occupied. 

This movie, worth to mention. Its relevant, straightforward and moving. The kind of love and life story I like. Not cheesy and irrelevant. About a writer being divorced by his wife with two kids. Unable to move on, his life seems stagnant and he stops writing. 

Its not as heavy as revolutionary road, but the simplicity moves the storyline. One of the quotes taken from a compilation of short stories What We Talk about When We Talk about Love By Raymond Carver  (1981) :

I could hear my heart beating. 

I could hear everyone's heart. 

I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.

Happy Monday everyone :)

Being Lazy

Pssst... can I share you a secret? Do you able to handle it? 

I have one consideration.  It has been on top of my mind for a while now. Yes. You're right :D 

I just want to be Lazy.

I have the feeling to go backwards. When life seems lil easy. Less baggage on my shoulder, less responsibility and less thing that I should know. Will I be happier when I am able to be like normal people?

If life is as easy as a formula, my assumption would be:

Being Lazy = Less Pay

Am I ready to take the cut? Entah, but its possible and doable. All i need to do is to stop travelling and then rent out my 3 bedroom apartment which i currently staying and me rent a studio unit, which a lot cheaper.

(Give up travel + smaller apartment) = (less responsibility + more time) would that equal to happiness? I don't know. Grass is always look greener on the other side.

Most of all, I admit I have limited capabilities. If the company require and in need of more skillfull and competence people, regrettably I have become liability to the company. I'm sorry. If that line crossed, I'm more than willing to go. No heart feeling. I fully understand. The word being  liability scares me.

And on the bright side of it, I might be able to be l.a.z.y.  and be like normal people kan.

For now, tabahkan hati and lets increase our saving. Kot hujan turun, ada extra payung :)

Like normal People

I somehow experiencing discrepancies between myself and other people (yes, I mean normal people). I feel that me, myself unable to make sense, to understand and to justify people behaviour. Off what their thinking and how their mind processing the input and output.

Having difficulties to understand when on those two critical days, people are laughing, made stupid jokes, surfing fb, chit chatting, taking long hours for breakfast and lunch, finding job at jobstreet.. bla..bla..bla.. WoW I'm impressed. Like nothing happens. Like nothing significant or even insignificant contribution can be made on that day. Happy hour during office hour?  Am I day dreaming or am I in denial? 

I envy you, normal people. I guess I would never be able to be like normal people as long as I am here. 

Perhaps its true:
Common sense is not so common anymore.

Sigh.

GPS for the Soul

Mom has been trying to talk to me these few days and I've been keep missing the window time to call her. My mom is also busy women too, you know (hehe). I have specific window time to call her since she woke up very early in the morning and sleep early.  We don't call each other during day time unless super important things to discuss. 

So on Monday night I returned her call and chit chat a bit. Usually it will be all about her. I hardly share my stuff with her. But that night I have made a special request. I asked her to pray for me. Pray that things will go easy for me for the next two days. When mom asked if anything to be concerned, I just said that work is challenging now and I may have not able to deliver. 

Suddenly it reminded me to the old school days. Mom has always been busy to make sure we have food on our table. But on major exams, even though she did not able to help us to study, she never forget to fast and pray for us.

Thank you mom. It has always been a blessing to have you :)