Not Responsible

And is it worth it — being responsible? Because if you take your vitamins and pay your taxes and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love and then lets them slip through your fingers like water, and what've you got? Vitamins and nothing - Meredith Grey

I has a Sad

sedih kan tgk kucing ni

ni pula, pembunuh --> kucing jahat

Black Swan - I Just Want To Be Perfect

Swan Lake : It's about a girl who gets turned into a swan and she needs love to break the spell, but her prince falls for the wrong girl so she kills herself.

Saya mengalami kesukaran utk menulis tentang movie ini. Tidak tahu bagaimana mahu mulakan. Its physiological thriller that creeps into your mind and get you twisted.

Ia tentang obsession. Ia tentang kemahuan yang keterlaluan untuk menjadi sempurna. Ia tentang kehidupan sebagai penari ballerina - Nina Sayers (Natilie Portman) yang keseluruhan kehidupannya di dedikasi kan hanya untuk menari. Tinggal bersama ibunya (juga bekas penari ballet), Nina terlalu inginkan watak utama di dalam pementasan ‘Swan Lake’. ‘Swan Lake’ memerlukan penari yang mampu membawa kedua-dua karakter - White Swan yang melambangkan innocence dan grace, dan Black Swan yang penuh tipu daya dan sensuality. Unfotunately, Nina hanya perfect sebagai White Swan sahaja. Setelah berjaya mendapatkan watak itu, Nina berusaha dan berlatih untuk menyempurnakan watak Black Swan. Dia sanggup berbuat apa sahaja. Lily - si penari baru memberi cabaran kepadanya kerana Lily adalah perfect sebagai Black Swan. Competition bermula, Nina menyelami sudut hitamnya demi mendapatkan kesempurnaan sebagai Black Swan.

Di akhir cerita, Nina membunuh dirinya sendiri apabila berjaya membawa kedua-dua watak - Kata Nina ‘ I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect.’

Yang Putih dan Yang Hitam. Yang mana satu mendominasi - kita yang decide. Kita yang mencari keseimbangannya. Kesempurnaan bukan segalanya. Itu yang dapat saya simpulkan dari movie ini.

Excerpt from the movie that i like :

Nina: I came to ask for the part.

Thomas Leroy: The truth is when I look at you all I see is the white swan. Yes you're beautiful, fearful, and fragile. Ideal casting. But the black swan? It's a hard job to dance both.

Nina: I can dance the black swan, too.

Thomas Leroy: Really? In 4 years every time you dance I see you obsessed getting each and every move perfectly right but I never see you lose yourself. Ever! All that discipline for what?

Nina: [whispers] I just want to be perfect.

Thomas Leroy: What?

Nina: I want to be perfect.

Thomas Leroy: Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go. Surprise yourself .so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence! Very few have it in them.

Nina: I think I do have it in me

Terima Kasih Cinta

Dengan sabar nya menunggu pementasan Terima Kasih Cinta the musical di Istana Budaya. After watching it yesterday, i can’t help to say that I felt a little bit of a letdown. Maybe because the storyline was based on Cinta – the movie, so there was no elements of surprises throughout the 2 hours performance. I knew exactly what will happen next. The differences were the cast and the musical touch. Sigh. Me – having too much expectation.

Anyhow, there are a lot of positive sides of it. I did enjoy Terima Kasih Cinta. Betul. They sing, dance and move like nobody business ; reminds me of quotes – Sing like no one’s listening, love like you never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching and live like its heaven on earth. It’s like watching GLEE, where all popular songs are given new arrangement. The supporting roles - the dancers and singers with different sizes, add some character into the performance. The sassy dance for song ‘mata’ dulunya di lagukan oleh noorkumalasari was dangerously performed by one of the supporting dancers. Hahaha… you have to go to istana budaya and watch this to know what I meant. Antara lagu yang saya suka – Gemilang, Itu Kamu, Cinta dan Perpisahan.

Latiff Ibrahim – he still has it. His presence and aura, mengalahkan yang lain. His voice hasn’t changed. Chemistry between Tony Eusoff and little girl Arrisa as father and daughter – singing and dancing was entertaining. Vince Chong was not bad especially when he sang his solo song. The girls… hmmm... kind of blend in sahaja, tiada yang stand out except for Faradhiya – she is icing of the cake.

Having the opportunity seated near to the stage was an advantage. Selama ni duduk jauh nun.. dari stage. Tak nampak ekpresi muka by the actors. There was sad moments, almost give me a goose bumps.. tapi tak jadi. Maybe penceritaan terlalu sarat. Using props yang sama – the six cubes, kind of boring but I do like the idea of using vibrant colors to differentiate five different story. There was panic moment apabila Norish Karman tidak berjaya membuka pintu besi dan Tony Eusoff tidak boleh membantu. Bayangkan, Norish Karman yang penuh emosi telah berkeputusan utk meninggalkan Tony Eusoff (the husband) tiba-tiba pintu besi yang berkunci tidak berjaya dibuka. Stuck. Nasib baik the standby cast membantu :)

Its a joy and lovely to watch this musical play of love. Thank You Love. Definitely worth it.

The empty spaces (II)

I lost my phone. Yep. AGAIN. It took me a while to digest this. To accept my mistake, carelessness and to move on. I’m amazed on how things change without a phone. It’s like losing a toy to play with. During the day, I occupied myself playing with stupid, no brainer game while waiting for my turn in the bank. I read and update fb and twitter while waiting for my food, waiting for people to show up and while in the car. At night,I open my Google reader and read interesting topics. I googled and continue reading until I fall asleep. So, the empty space left by my phone is now replaced by reading actual book or newspaper. Oh boring nya!

The next day after losing my phone, my laptop black out. Sigh. Oh… now the laptop give up on me too. Sound pathetic kan. So here I am surviving with old monitor to continue my daily task. i have to wait 3-5 weeks for the inverter board to be delivered. Adoiii… I can’t complain. Nanti merajuk laptop ni lagi susah. So the empty space on my desk is now occupied with this big and old desktop.

The so called family cat, died. Was brutally killed by another street cat. Jahatnya sungguh. Dah lah kucing tu pregnant. Katanya - kaki patah, rahang jatuh dan internal bleeding. Kesian sangat. I admit, I’m not cat or animal lovers but terasa sedih betul dengan kematian sang kucing. Kesian sgt. Tapi saya tak pernah hiraukan kucing tu… sehinggalah ke akhirnya. Sombong nya saya kan :(

So many empty spaces, empty places; left behind. And this too shall pass.

The empty spaces (I)

They say that you never realise what you have until it’s gone.

Grandma passed away recently, after five days of suffering. She has never been this sick. I remember quietly in my heart asking God to take her life, should her suffering be prolonged. It’s like having a bad dream. The whole process was surreal.

She was one of the biggest influences in my life. She is not the type of grandma that you only visit during hari raya, holidays or kenduri. I grew up with her. The only time gap that I had was when I’m away during my uni days.

Having her here in KL was a blessed. When my life falling apart or I’m all stressed out due to the little things or the big things, the quick remedy was to turn to her. It’s not that I’m telling her my problems but being with her allows me to keep my feet on the ground. The story-telling session which involved our past (of love, sacrifices and growing up), the old secret recipe of cooking and wise word from her somehow makes me realised what is more important in life. It’s like coming back to a safe place called home to the family where you belong. No Judgment, No Question. Just Acceptance.

In my previous entry of Jentayu, was actually for her. She reminds me of Jentayu song – Patah sayap bertongkat paruh, Patah paruh bertongkat siku, Patah siku bertongkat dagu, Patah dagu bertongkat kuku. She was able to take care of herself right until the end. She always tries her best to do everything on her own. Tak nak menyusahkan sesiapa katanya.

A friend of mine told me – A person is only dead if you stop remembering her. Grandma, you are loved and missed. Thank You. My prayers will always be with you. Al-Fatehah.

Tentang Jentayu

Menghadapi minggu yang sukar.

Entah macam mana, pagi ni teringat pada kisah seekor burung- Jentayu

Jika refer kepada kamus Jawi klasik-Melayu-Inggeris yang di susun oleh pendidik RJ Wilkinson pada tahun 1903 Jentayu bermaksud – Seekor burung yang luar biasa yang dipercayai di anugerahkan dengan kekuatan menyeru hujan dan embun. Kononnya sayap burung Jentayu mampu menyembunyikan seorang manusia.

Melalui pembacaan, perkataan Jatayu berasal dari bahasa Sanskrit. Mengikut cerita epic Ramayana, Jatayu ialah seekor burung pemakan bangkai , separuh manusia dan separuh dewa. Jatayu dan Rama bersahabat baik. Pada satu hari, Jatayu yang berada di atas dahan pokok ternampak isteri Rama, Dewi Sita menjerit-jerit di culik, di bawa terbang oleh raja setan yang menakutkan, Ravana. Jatayu dengan rasa tanggung jawab berusaha dengan sepenuh hati melawan dan menyerang Ravana. Oleh kerana telah berusia, Ravana berjaya memotong sayap Jatayu dengan pedang. Darah bercucuran lalu tubuh Jatayu akhirnya jatuh ke tanah dan mati. Sebelum mati dengan keadaan sekerat tanpa sayap dan cedera, Jatayu memberitahu Rama bahawa Dewi Sita telah di culik Ravana.

Usman Awang juga berpuisi tentang Jentayu dalam 11 babak. Juga tentang burung ajaib memerangi garuda jahat untuk melindungi sang Puteri China dan kekasihnya Putera Rum.

Begitulah kesah si burung Jentayu. Membinasakan diri untuk orang lain. Berusaha untuk menyelamatkan walaupun diri terkorban. Ada tak agaknya manusia bersifat seperti burung Jentayu? Mahukah kita menjadi Jentayu?

Mengambil makna kekuatan dan survivor dari lagu Jentayu by Johan Nawawi :)

Di paruhmu kemilauan sinar, Menyepuhi sejuta rasa
Kemulian di hatimu, Bening budi terdampar di jagat raya
Di sayap taufan kau jelajahi, Awan gemawan membawa rindu
Kasihmu menentangi kezaliman, Ketidakadilan
Jentayu, Patah sayap bertongkat paruh
Jentayu, Patah paruh bertongkat siku
Jentayu, Patah siku bertongkat dagu
Jentayu, Patah dagu bertongkat kuku
Pinjamkanlah hatimu, Untuk semua

Selamat Pagi. Minum teh tarik dulu :)