On Grief

Grief Is Like Butter 

by Ruth Chan

I watched a movie - Rabbit Hole. A movie about grief. 

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t – has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don’t know. . .the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and – there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful – not all the time. It’s kinda... not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn’t go away. Which is... 
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

I think you can relate if only you have lost someone that means the world to you. It is a journey to be able to reach at the "okay" or "fine' stage.. and its true.. it doesn't go away, I carry it around but the weight changes with time. I'm trying to make peace with it.

Happy Ramadhan Kareem.

Tragedy

 Hello.

When tragedy happens, your world STOP. Your brain works extra hard processing information and your body shutting down. You may have panic attack, difficulty to breathe and becoming weak. 

Due to the tragedy, you are now in the trauma ward. Trying to survive the tragedy. The recovery depends on the severity of the damage. 

Of tragedy and trauma, you realised that you will never be the same person again. You're broken and no matter how much you try to normalised your world - it will never be the same.

Not saying you become better or become worst. No.

Just that you never be the same person again.

Aren't we are all a work in progress.

Demi Masa...

Sesungguhnya kita berada dalam kerugian

Hi.

More and more I understand what it means. Selalu juga rasa stress. Sebab merasakan jika ambil masa untuk bersembang, berehat, menonton tv atau tidur, masa terbuang dengan sia-sia.

Dah lama rasa macam ni.

Terasa perlu tulis supaya ia keluar dari sistem.

Contoh:

Bila bercakap/bersembang, nanti emosi. Bila emosi, buang energy. End up rasa penat, tapi tak ke mana.

RUGI.

Rugi masa, Rugi tenaga, Sebab masih berada di position yang sama.

Need Motivation??

Straight to the point.

Push

It's not always the worst thing when people push you. When people push you, they're trying to help you. She's trying to help you.

Ramadhan

Knock.. knock.. Ramadhan.

I can't help feeling nostalgic. Last year, at this moment I was busy packing and wrapping up. Thinking and feeling about it give me goosebumps. Serious. How time flies kan. 

Fasting month. It takes two hours to reach home if I leave the office at 5pm. I decided to stay back and go home after break fast. It takes thirty minutes. As time is expensive, those ninety minutes I can do wonders. Tak pe lah... buka puasa di rumah pun seorang, no reason for me to brave the traffic jams.

They asked me why I do not request to go back early as what is commonly practise here? I did my own calculations.. there are 19 working days during Ramadan (after less 2 days of annual leave that I plan to take). If I less 5 working days where I will not fast, left me with 14 working days.

I asked myself, do I really need to request special treatment just because I fast for those 14 days? Is it difficult for me to adjust my timing?

It makes me shy.

Little bird told me that my boss actually did some homework before hiring me. She asked opinion from her Malaysian network if it is difficult to hire reliable competent staff and about hiring a Malay staff. She did get some negative feedback about Malays especially in accounting and finance where its been dominated by non-Malays. Of course there is counterback statement by saying that maybe this person is a new Malay.

Hmmmm... Interesting kan.

On my last trip to Penang, my boss was spying on people. She spy if muslim really fast. HaHaHa.. kelakar kan and do they cheat.. I said yes of course some of them..but they do it secretly. So she spying on one guy eating MH peanut. She said Hah! I caught muslim not fasting. Then I take a look.. and slowly said to her.. I think that guy is indian. Hahaha... how clueless she is about Malaysian.

The day before she arrives Penang, there was a news on MH Melbourne flight turn back due to some emergency. She was extremely nervous as she needs to take domestic flight to KL. The plane landed safely and she said to me that one of the reasons why she feels a bit comfort taking the plane was due to I'm travelling with her and she hope my God will take care of me and that means the whole plane. She admit it's sound stupid but she needs to let it out.

At the airport, I requested her to change to long pants as we are going to government office and she needs to wear something that less revealing. I said it's friday, it's fasting month and there was some hooohaaa about the dress code.

So she changed.

I have been surrounded by non Malays, Malaysian and non Malaysian. Do they superior than me? Do they better than me? Do they treat me differently? 

My answer would be NO.

They are just the same. They have their own struggle, weakness and strength. We are just a bunch of people trying to make a living.

I believe that human in default, has good intentions.

Salam Ramadhan

a Beautiful Struggle

Woohooo.. a month passed by without a word about Japan trip. Hmmm.. time and money, do you have enough?

I didn't realised that I have learned so much previously and that gave me a lot of sense and foundation as I am today. Perhaps when you are in a new environment, all that you have left in the pocket that you carry all the time is the valuable experience.

I have been learning every day. This constant learning is my Beautiful Struggle. A hopeful kind of struggle that you know it takes time but the end result would be beautiful. It is a process with an intention to change and educate me to BE better.

Why I say it is a struggle?

Because it stretching me every single way. The way I think and act will produce result. It's a constant need of STOP, THINK and ACT moment. Sometime action is faster than the brain that needs time to think. And of course I cannot control the situation, I don't know what will happen next.

Why I say it is beautiful?

Because I'm being hopeful.. that I smell the roses.. I feel the sea breeze and I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is not ayat pujuk hati.

Alhamdullillah.

Cleaning up

It has been super looooong week. I meant it. Looooong. Not going to share all the details as i'm too tired.

Being with her.. stretch me every corner, every inch and every space that i have.

But, i learned a big lesson today. She had shown me how far she's  willing to go down to get things done. Even when she hold such a high position, she willing to do all the hard work without  hesitation, without question and without excuses.

She just do as per madate.

I'm impressed.

my Kindness..

taken for weakness.

I always have this thought that to be successful, you need to have extra strong personality. You need to have distinctive character that somehow will carry you through the challenging  moments. It may look like heartless, selfish and brutal, but it's actually just doing what is required.

Being kind, being thoughtful and being well manner human being will never take you anywhere. People won't listen to you. People don't take you seriously. People take advantage of you. Do you agree? You can't  move mountain by being polite!

But i know... i'm wrong.

I should look up and learn all the kindness shown by The Prophet.

Memories are like Ghosts

Some will come back

To visit you

Even when they are uninvited

It lingers

Without your permission

They say Hello 

In your mind

They sneak in

Out of no where

Without your permission

They say Hi

In your dreams

They just pop up 

Participate as an actor

Without your permission 

They just there

Not saying a word

Watching you

Looking at you

Without your permission

They are like ghost

Invisible, but there

Inside your brain

Creeping and messing it up

Without your permission

Brighter Day

1. I have less distraction at work and i'm loving it. Most of my time spent inside my room, visiting the Property and Penang. I do not have staff under me, I do not need to take care of the office and of course people, I eat my lunch alone, I don't gossip, I only discuss, I say Hi in the morning and Bye in the evening and I only report to one super smart and scary lady boss who is thousand miles away but feel so close. With all these, my energy is really spent on work, not people.

2. Relationship makes me weak. Love makes me weak. Enough said.

3. Few years back, I have this thought of adopting baby. But now, reality hits me. I woke up and have the sense of realisation and reasons of why certain things are fated for me. I want it for a wrong reason. I, myself inadequate of caring and nurturing a human being. 

4. Since my working hour has changed, my life has more sense of balance. I'm happy when I can clock out at 5pm. It justified why I need to be out from the house by 6.40am. I love being the first person in the office. It's like getting up early before the insanity start.

5. Surprisingly I didn't miss travelling much. But I do look forward  for my next trip. It's just that the urge of travelling has slowly and quietly behave. I don't feel the need to be somewhere else and not here. Perhaps my running shoes need a rest too. Hmm... turning domestic (or maybe because I have finished my annual leave for the first half of the year..hehe)

6. I have less thing to write. Is this good? I don't know. Does this means, I feel content with my life? Entah. Or am I slowing down?

7. I love love love this song by Ellie Goulding - Love me like you do

Good Night.

Spring Cleaning

I have been doing spring cleaning for weeks.. sikit demi sikit.. room by room. I found plenty of unwanted stuff. Things that I can just throw away. Also, it's like walking down to a memory lane. I saw my old picture, my old clothes and  my old journals (dulu belum ada blog). It's seems easier now to throw it away. I don't think much.. to let it go. To let go my past. My shoulder seems lighter. I can sense some space. Pelik kan... it's just throwing some old stuff and it gives me sense of relief. Perhaps somehow it's a spring cleaning my emotions!

Some stuff that I found and worth to post:

Me, when i'm 12 years old :)

Me and the evidence of lost in the sea

You Get What You Give

Is Fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?

I have been thinking. Thinking about what to write. But somehow my thoughts accumulated in B drive.. my Brain. 

1. A friend of mine lost his job. A job that envy by many. He said, he has done terrible things to people and unproud of what he has become. At times, he purposely made things difficult to people around him. On his last negotiation of employment, i suggested him to asked one simple question to his former boss - Is there anything else I can do to fix this? This was his last card, the only card left.

2. I met with an accident the other week. I didn't saw this boy in his motorcycle while entering the left lane. He was like doing a summersault when his motorcycle hit my bumper. I was extremely nervous and scared. Too much focusing on the boy, I forgot to checked my own car until the boy told me that my car tyre punctured. It was almost 9.00 pm. I do not know who to call and what to do. While my mind contemplating, a car stopped and help out. They changed my car tyre and fix the motorcycle. We exchange phone number and I gave some cash and we go home. The next day, the parents called and after some thoughts, we decided not to make a police report and I paid for motorcycle repair work. No drama. 

3. Its time for e-filing. As usual I knew this person will call me and asked the same question.. How to fill up the online form? I was like....$%@&*  I told myself to manage my expectation. Everybody is different. I can't expect people are like me! I need to learn this - expect Nothing and Appreciate everything. I reminded myself - this is someone that need help and asking for help. What if I'm at his situation?

4. This guy (a contractor) who was introduced by a friend went missing in the middle of repair work @ my house. I tried to called and whatapps him many times... but he just disappeared.  I like him because he is honest, I think. Not like other contractor that I have been dealing with. After almost a month, he's back in the radar. I told him that I'm not angry (as I believe he has some stuff he needs to handle at that time). I just said that going forward, this is what he needs to do. He then completed the repair work and insisted me not to pay any single cents.

End...

it feels good to be Home

early.

It will be just perfect if i have a cozy lazy chair to rest and a cup of flat white.

Hmmmmm.....

Today, i just want to say Alhamdulillah :)

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I'm 6 months Old

How time flies kan. I'm unsure if i can see myself for many years here but i always try to be hopeful that on difficult time, God will ease my days.

Since there was no probation period, i can't gauge, how was my performance in these six months. All i can say is that i have tried my best. Since my job is a mixture of everthing.. i don't think i excel in everthing. Honestly, i'm struggling  in few area. But i have to be self sufficient.

I worry too much and it's slowly and quietly eating my soul. I reminded myself again and again to stop worrying as it does not give any good in return.. but my mind is restless.

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USA: Inspiring moment

Blog post  from San Diego :) Finally my feet on US soil. Maybe later i will post about the trip. But at the moment.. before my memory fade and the  feeling gone, i just want to write about moment that inspire me.

While i'm in Vegas, i took a bus to explore the city. I bought one day pass which cost me usd8. I bought tix twice as i accidently lost it on my way to the super famous Pawn Store shop @history channel. Redha je la.

They assumed  you already  bought the tix prior boarding the bus. At one of the stations, one guard came in. His task is to check all passengers  ticket, to ensure its a valid paid ride. This guard started by explaining his task and what going to happen next. He explained clearly and let the passanger decide what option they want to take.

1. Those without tix can immediately exit the bus at the next stop

2. Those without tix can buy the tix now from the machine inside the bus

3. The rest to show the tix facing up

The way he explained all the process was very respectful and tactful. This is like his everyday task. He can just entered and ask passanger to show tix and those without tix, he can just issue the summon. No need to say much. 

But he choose to do it differently. Giving second chance to those without tix.

Then there was a man without tix. He respectfully requested that man to buy tix at the machine  and offered his assistance on how to buy. The man did not have enough money. Few cents more and guess what.. he gave that man few coins. Once purchased, the guard explained the validity of the card to the man, instead of being angry and nag to the man. He choose to be kind and remain respectful.

What he has shown was inspiring. He show consistency in his act. He walk the talk. He not just talking, but his action reflect what he just said. His talk is consistent woth his action. Wow! This is his everyday task. He can just issue the summon. No need to do so much. But how he handle the situation frm the very beginning until end was inspiring  and i can see, it's  effortless. It's inside him. He was not struggling or pretending. 

This guard has shown me how to become a better person. I do not know if the guard action has impact the man without tix. But surely  it's  impact me in a BIG way!

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Offended?

by Fa Abdul, freemalaysiatoday.com January 11

This reader is tired of how offended most Muslims in Malaysia are over the Charlie Hebdo cartoons and decided to share her own experiences.

When I was 7, my Chinese classmate gave me a chicken sandwich during recess one day. It tasted real good. The next day she told me it was pork. She did not care much to apologise for her mistake. I asked my Ustazah at school what would happen to those who consumed pork and she blatantly said, “Kalau makan babi gerenti masuk neraka jahanam” (Anyone who eats pork is guaranteed of going to hell). I was furious at my friend. But no, I did not carry a rifle to her house to kill her.

When I was 13, I was enrolled in a school located in a small Malay town – Kulim. Some of my agama classmates started calling me Hindu Pariah. Since I am of Indian blood, I was always ridiculed and asked to leave the religious class by the Malay Muslims. I was embarrassed. I was thoroughly offended. But no, I did not carry a gun to school to seek revenge.

When I was 18, I met a super hot lecturer while studying in Regent School of Economics, KL. He had nice things to say about how wonderful I was and how amazingly gorgeous I would be if only I removed my headscarf. He said the headscarf was an insult to my beauty. I smiled and never spoke to him ever again. No, I did not shoot him for messing with my faith.

When I was 25, a neighbour of ours gave us copies of photographs showing Lord Murugan with tears of milk flowing down his face in one of the temples in Penang. He claimed to have witnessed it himself and urged us to follow Hinduism as it was the true religion. I took the photos, looked at them one by one and returned it, thanking him for sharing it with us. And no, I did not visit his home with a gun in my pocket.

When I was 34, a cousin rang me up to share his newly found theory on Islam, Prophets and God. He spoke of the lies in Islam. He ridiculed the Prophets as people who invented the words of God. He questioned the existence of God. I told him he had a very interesting point of view and ended the conversation. I know he was also spreading his new beliefs to others in the family. But no, I did not carry a gun to finish him off.

I am now 40. I recently went out on a date with a handsome hunk, an expat from Germany. He persuaded me to try beer. When he failed, he got me a glass of red wine. “Take a sip, just a sip,” he said in his gentle half-seducing voice. I ordered a Coke instead. Funny but the Coke tasted pretty good. Later that night, I found out my Coke was spiked. Damn, looks like I will be heading to hell for a second round. But no, I did not kill him off either.

Anything can be offensive. Any topic. Any conversation. Any piece of art. Any book. Any thing. The thing is, everyone is offended by something. Even the notion that it is okay to seek revenge when you are offended is well, offensive. But this is exactly what our world has turned into – a very sensitive lot who are offended by anything and everything. But does that make one condone a killing spree? Nothing condones murder. Nothing. Even murder itself.

I am a Muslim who isn’t offended by what Charlie Hebdo did. It was tasteless. It was no art. It wasn’t funny. But I did not hate them for it. Just like I do not hate Salman Rushdie. I simply do not agree with his point of view, that’s about it. I believe God awarded us with the ability to think and rationalise our behaviours for a reason. If we choose to hate everyone and everything that does not fall into the perimeters of our beliefs, we could end up hating lots of things.

Condoning the Charlie Hebdo murder in relation to their insensitive work of art is an unconscionable, sub-human way, disgusting at best and bigoted at worst. If you expect others to act and speak a certain way, or assume others will be as kind or compassionate as you, if you’re offended when they don’t rise to the level of your expectations, you will almost always be offended or on the verge of it. Instead, allow people to be human. They are, after all.

“We should be too big to take offence and too noble to give it.”

- Abraham Lincoln

Fa Abdul is producer/playwright @ Big Nose Productions

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u look like my next Mistake

behave

bɪˈheɪv/verb 

         
1. act or conduct oneself in a specified way, especially towards others. "he always behaved like a gentleman"

synonyms:

conduct oneself, act, acquit oneself, bear oneself, carry oneself; rare comport oneself, deport oneself

2. conduct oneself in accordance with the accepted norms of a society or group."‘Just behave, Tom,’ he said"

synonyms:

act correctly, act properly, conduct oneself well, act in a polite way, show good manners, mind one's manners, mind one's Ps and Qs; be good, be polite, be well behaved

Life is less complicated when you follow rules and behave. Well, it's easier said that done. It seems impossible to me as I always being tempted to make the wrong doings. When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore, it is a decision and perhaps a lifestyle.

The young intern at the office introduce me the word YOLO.

YOLO is an acronym for "you only live once". Similar to carpe diem, it implies that one should enjoy life, even if that entails taking risks.

This is so contradicting kan.

Contractors

It's true. No matter how much money you  willing to pay, they're THE BOSS. Your request is at the contractor's mercy.

It's  interesting what i found over the internet about  them. No need to explain.

It's  not easy to find a decent contractor. They have strange work ethic and you have to adjust to fit in to their style and of course one step ahead with plan B.

You can be one of them, no professional certification required :D

Hello... me

Wow.. exactly a month not writing a single sentence. Not even one post on my birthday! I missed it. Work and Play has been okay, if not good. Alhamdullilah.

Stumble upon this guide understanding introverted. Whoever done this, PERFECT.

Finally, I'm having my hamster ball day today. Enjoying it 100%. Has been fully occupied every weekends. Time to recharge my energy bucket. Yay!